my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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