hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
