at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
