I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
