I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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