well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
