i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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