I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
