i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
