Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
