If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
