Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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