I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i think i just lost a toe
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
