Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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