three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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