The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
