In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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