I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize