So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
