Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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