all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize