So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
