I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
