It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
