I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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