Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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