her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
