The maid of honor just puked.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Drake has all the answers
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
