K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
