i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
