Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize