No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize