My hand turned me down
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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