3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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