ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
