the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
