Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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