I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
