Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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