epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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