apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
