Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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