What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
