Pappa wants mamma naked
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
zippers are such a cool invention
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
