I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
