yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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