I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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