Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
