I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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