I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize