I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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