the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
