One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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