I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
