he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
