i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
