It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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