I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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