hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
