Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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