My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
