I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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