This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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