we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
