The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
