god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
