I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
organizing the empties. That sober.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
