shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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